This is probably one of the very few posts this year about my faith and my walk in Faith.
It's hard these days to talk about what i believe, what i struggle in. Probably because i've grown more and more away, distant from the One who love me. Probably i've become more and more cynical...more skeptical. Probably i've placed myself further away. Probably i had some arguments with Him. Probably i'm being bitter. As i shared during the post graduate cell group, i'm now a bit "unfamiliar" with Jesus.
It's sad, it's depressing. I remembered when i was better than what i am now. I remembered when i use to care. I remembered when i was less "boe chab" (couldn't care less attitude). I remembered i once was concerned for the salvation of this world. I remembered i cared and have a heart for the elderly...
Today's thursday (strictly speaking, it's already friday now). Jingjing was not feeling well today, i sent her back and let her rest early. I told her briefly of my condition, and added that i would like to watch Mel Gibson's the Passion of The Christ. I told her i was scared. I had an expectation, i expect myself to cry, to be emotional. What if i did not cry? What if i show myself to be so so so distant from God?
I slotted in the VCD. As i began to watch this film, my neighbours were outside having a good time, laughing and talking out loud. When i finished the film, my housemate was outside my room singing to TMNT. There were not exactly distractions, just a little ironic. Don't you think?
I cried.
I saw myself in that film. I saw how low human beings can go. I saw how far Jesus went for me. Words can't express what i feel. I prayed for forgiveness, for my sins, for my foolishnes...
Even as i walk away, still feeling a bit sad that one fine day, i'll go astray again (as if i'm now fine and all pretty), i have a certain peace in me. Yeah, that film was indeed very visual. Yes, this film is one that depicted my Lord's suffering to the most extreme, and it is real. Yes, i cried, i cried asking why Jesus would do such a thing for a bunch of stupid fools; i cried for seeing me as one of them; i cried, period.
But at the end of the day, after a few moments of "cooling down", i have a sense of quietness, probably a sense of numbness. But i would like to call it peace, if i can have it my way. And i thank God, for Good Friday.
Thank you Lord. In Jesus' name. Amen.
It's hard these days to talk about what i believe, what i struggle in. Probably because i've grown more and more away, distant from the One who love me. Probably i've become more and more cynical...more skeptical. Probably i've placed myself further away. Probably i had some arguments with Him. Probably i'm being bitter. As i shared during the post graduate cell group, i'm now a bit "unfamiliar" with Jesus.
It's sad, it's depressing. I remembered when i was better than what i am now. I remembered when i use to care. I remembered when i was less "boe chab" (couldn't care less attitude). I remembered i once was concerned for the salvation of this world. I remembered i cared and have a heart for the elderly...
Today's thursday (strictly speaking, it's already friday now). Jingjing was not feeling well today, i sent her back and let her rest early. I told her briefly of my condition, and added that i would like to watch Mel Gibson's the Passion of The Christ. I told her i was scared. I had an expectation, i expect myself to cry, to be emotional. What if i did not cry? What if i show myself to be so so so distant from God?
I slotted in the VCD. As i began to watch this film, my neighbours were outside having a good time, laughing and talking out loud. When i finished the film, my housemate was outside my room singing to TMNT. There were not exactly distractions, just a little ironic. Don't you think?
I cried.
I saw myself in that film. I saw how low human beings can go. I saw how far Jesus went for me. Words can't express what i feel. I prayed for forgiveness, for my sins, for my foolishnes...
Even as i walk away, still feeling a bit sad that one fine day, i'll go astray again (as if i'm now fine and all pretty), i have a certain peace in me. Yeah, that film was indeed very visual. Yes, this film is one that depicted my Lord's suffering to the most extreme, and it is real. Yes, i cried, i cried asking why Jesus would do such a thing for a bunch of stupid fools; i cried for seeing me as one of them; i cried, period.
But at the end of the day, after a few moments of "cooling down", i have a sense of quietness, probably a sense of numbness. But i would like to call it peace, if i can have it my way. And i thank God, for Good Friday.
Thank you Lord. In Jesus' name. Amen.
3 comments:
i totally echo your sentiment. it has been one of the hardest thing to accept and receive--the word, grace. (can read one of my multiply entries that i posted recently)
hmm... 1st, must pray for you. :) 2nd, i guess i should post another entry of what i experienced today at my bedok church--grace. somehow it's real. and that's a HUGE mystery to me.
i've been thinking, grace is real and it's for us. the problem is, i've never experienced TOTAL grace on earth. it's pretty hard to believe it's true.
guess we'll continue to struggle on... by grace. :P
Grace, i guess how much we receive will hopefully be reflected by how much we give.
Catch up soon
hmm... that's an interesting point
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