Coming back to old familiar grounds

wow... almsot 2 years.
How things have changed, and how things have yet to change, and how things do not change.

New family, new place to live, new work.

yup. But somehow today just felt to come back here. to this old worn out, run down bar. Wilson's bar. A place of solitude for me.

Updates:
1. Work has been stressful, in the long term sense. Don't know if i could handle the work that belongs to me.

2. Faith has it's own doubts. Was brought to remember again the passing of my unsaved [i suppose] grandparents. Yes, i know God is just and will HE not do right? Yes, i know there will be no more tears. But the fact of suffering loved ones still brings me pain, and i don't know how it will go away in heaven

3. Possibility of being conned into a new diet, that promises to loose weight. been on the diet for 3+ days, no change at all, only change is that i don't get to eat what i want.

4. Have been encountering the word Passion for the past few days. Passion, enthusiasm, hard work. Oh God, may i ask You for some of these?

just writing something for solitude's sake. Probably not many will come to read this, unless they subscribe to me [which is strange] or i tell them about it.

Anyways, Wilson's Bar will be open, yes. Let's see for how long

圆满谢幕

Wilson's bar have come a long way since a few years ago. It was a platform that have helped me a lot. As this blog reaches its 100th post milestone, i would like to spend some time to ponder how it helped me, and what kind of effect does it have on those who read it.

I've learned of a phrase called "verbal diarrhea". It was an interesting way of putting how blogs function in some sense. Sometimes i feel sad, i feel sick, i feel lonely, i feel tired, i feel weak, i'll blog. Writing it out, or sharing it in some sense, made me feel better. ..for a while, until i discover that i might want to reveal so many of my weakness to friends of mine. It's quite harrowing, and simply a bad feeling to think of what others would see me like when i share like this. Others will see how weak, how fragile i am. There are many types of people in the world that i deal with, some are strong people, both in and out side, some just put on a face, some are the same as i am.

To those that despise me, go somewhere else and don't read; to those that pity me, i don't need your pity; to those that feels for me, thanks; to those that emphatize with me; yes, i share for you guys too; to those who feel bad after reading my entries, i'm really sorry.

Wilson's bar is serving it's last, now. I don't think there will be any new posts from me to this place.

A new phase has to come, inevitably. One said that the only thing that is constant in this world, is change. Life have to change too. A new phase in blogging has to come too. I wouldn't stop blogging, somewhere in cyberspace, somewhere in blogosphere, we might meet again.

Until then, good bye, and have a nice week ahead =)

Post number 99

This will be my 99th post for this blog. Wilson's Bar have since come a long way and i'm in a sense happy to be able to maintain this blog for so long.

It has been a source of sharing for me, for sharing my thoughts, my fears, my worries, my anger and so on...

For all who have contributed and have come and go, and left your footprints on my blog, thanks for visitin' wilson's bar. It has been a pleasure to be host to all of you.

ok, back to some updates.

I ain't going to go all the way back since my last post, i'll just say a few things.

It was a shitty week.

I was on course from monday to wednesday, the course was important to me, but then it was beyond my comprehension. There was no internet access there and hence i could not go online to search for resources and help. Really struggled thru the 3 days. The instructor was good, and thank God for my training in NTU, i know how to patch things up now after the course. Ppl/students there wern't exactly friendly, though they were not unfriendly either. I was in a class of 8 students, 6 was from another organisation, 1 was from indonesia, and 1 was me. Whenever we went to have tea break, the 6 would just talk to themselves, and the indonesian guy was fasting [so he didn't go]. So i was more or less all alone there. VERY SLEEPY thru out the entire course [wonder what will happen if my small boss sees this post... i'll ensure that i catch up, promise]

Secondly, i was building this website for my Church's young adult zone. Finally found a good free web host to upload all my files, and i even paid SGD20 or so for it to be ad- free. The next thing i know, yesterday, and confirmed today, was that my account was deleted. Also dunno why.

Thirdly, apparently, alot of activities was going on in workplace during the 3 days i was not in office. They had some sort of sports/games on wednesday, and i was voted CAPTAIN of a team, which i didn't go because i was on course, and i didn't have access to the intranet email. BAD. wonder will this affect my position in the office.

Essentially, i'm really a bo-chub, couldn't care less person, then ppl come to me, since i'm a new guy, and ask me to take up this take up that, i also dunno what to do, i'm not in a very good mood for all of these. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALonE. Haiz, couldn't say that, can i?

frustrated, frustrated, frustrated, AARRGGHHHHH......

新朋友

金句: 「我乃称你们为朋友；因我从我父所听见的，已经都告诉你们了。」（约翰福音15章15节）

从欧洲搭机返回美国的途中，我的邻座是个小女孩，她一上飞机就一直讲个没完。她把家里发生的大小事，还有她那只随机托运的狗儿如何如何，全都告诉我；同时不断兴奋地指指这里、指指那里：「你看这！看那边！」。于是我不禁想着：再这样下去，这趟八小时的旅程可真会漫漫无际！

我和她聊了一会儿，接着她突然静了下来、拉过毯子往身上盖，我猜她大概想睡了吧。我赶紧抓住这段空档，拿起手边的杂志，但杂志都还没摊开，我便感到有个小人儿向我靠了过来，于是我低头看她，这时她伸出小手，对我说：「嘿，我们做朋友好不好？」

在那一刻，我整个心都融化了。「当然好哇，」我对她说：「我们做朋友吧！
」
在纷扰不堪的生活中，有时我们只想独自静一静时，耶稣却伸出他钉痕的手，邀请我们做他的朋友。他这么说：「我乃称你们为朋友，因我从我父所听见的，已经都告诉你们了」（约翰福音15章15节）。这时我们可以做选择：将他拒之门外，或是打开心门，欢迎这位带来无限之爱与引导的好朋友。JS

耶稣是我亲爱朋友，

担当我罪与忧愁；

何等权利能将万事，

带到主恩座前求！

台风防范与安全101

问：跨台风时，如果要出门，为了安全起见，最好要带多少钱在身上呢？


答：四千万


因为。。。 跨台风时，没事(四)千万别出门。

Selamat Merdeka

Happy 50th Birthday Malaysia =) Semoga Tuhan memberkati tanah ini.

約書亞记

今晚，回家的路途上，在地铁里读了一下一段的经文。。。

“。。。我都照著我所應許摩西的話賜給你們了。。。
。。。 你當剛強壯膽！。。。
。。。 只要剛強，大大壯膽，。。。
。。。我豈沒有吩咐你嗎？你當剛強壯膽！不要懼怕，也不要驚惶。。。
。。。你只要剛強壯膽！”-約書亞记 1

很多时候，上帝的应许早就已经赐给了我们。然而，赏赐与应许也需要我们"伸手"去拿，去领取。

在生活上，有多少个人因为"伸手"太难，而放弃了？有多少人因为太懒"伸手"而放弃了？約書亞也应该很怕吧，必须面对这么多的敌人，凶猛，残酷的敌人。

然而慈爱的上帝一而再，再而三的鼓励約書亞，要大大的壮胆。看哪，这就是天父对我们的爱，了解与耐心。

也许我们在教会听到太多基督徒将要和应该蒙福的讯息，反而忘了听"伸手"的讯息而看与对待天天的挑战，试炼为可怕的事情？約書亞的上帝，我们的上帝就告诉了我们，“你當剛強壯膽！”

愿大家一起加油，剛強壯膽！

Who I Am

I think i have to come to terms with who i am. This post goes out to all the people, all the friends whose friendship i treasure, and whose salvation i pray for.

What do you think of me? I don't think i would score quite high. For whatever reasons, i guess i'm a easy going fella, but not exactly someone you all aspire to be like. And this makes me very depressed, because i tried so hard, in being a good example, a good testimony, so that when you see me, you would want to know what made me so good, so you would want to know more about the driving force within me, so that you would come to know Christ.

This evidently did not happen. I admit that i didn't impact positively on you, neither am i positive about making an impact soon. You didn't see a very determined person, you didn't see a very successful person, you didn't see a very driven and motivated person, you didn't see a very positive person either. For whatever reasons, i thank you all, for your acceptance of me, at least you don't despise me [at least upfront..]

What i like to say to you guys is simply this: don't follow me, follow Jesus Christ. I have my flaws, i have my weakness, i have my long way to go. Yet, from deep in my heart, i sincerely hope you would consider a relationship with Jesus. Trust me, it's definately a long term investment, that still and even pays short term dividens. I'm waiting for you guys, as much as i have somewhat tried to share with you.

He, this person Jesus have done what only He can do, to save you from the crutches of sin and give you eternal life. I don't know how to articulate it in a very practical manner, i can't say how motivated will you become after you are a Christian, i don't know how many bad things will turn to good for you too. At least for now. I know we will be perfect, when the day comes, but on earth, we continue to strive, a step at a time. Sometimes flying, sometimes running, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling.

Please do consider my sincere plea. This goes out to all my friends. You know who you are. Trust me, you are.

Quiet Night

It's weird actually. I feel like writing something, but yet don't know what to write. It was a long day. Feeling very tired and sleepy, yet at the same time, unwilling to put myself to rest.

I really don't know what to share...

There're a lot of expectations. You have to live up to expectations. But this is not the main aim. And it should not be.

Remember the story about the young child who was sent to university by his poor father who worked very hard? The young child graduated with flying colours and got a very high paying job in the city.

He went back one day, after many many years. His father was now old, and not as strong as before. The child, now a man, ran to his father and embraced him. He said to the father, that he has worked very hard, and is now a professional in a very big company. He also told his father his intention to bring his father over to the city.


What happend next? ... [to be continued]

Snoopy

Beautifully written. From the pages of RBC Ministries

FOR 50 YEARS, cartoonist Charles Schulz gave us pictures of ourselves wrapped in a smile. One of the last strips I clipped from our Sunday paper showed Snoopy the dog sitting on top of his doghouse with a typewriter, writing about his life. He titled his story . . .


The Dog Who Never Did Anything
Snoopy remembers it this way, “You stay home now,” they said, “and be a good dog.”
So he stayed home and was a good dog.

Then he decided to be even a better dog. So he barked at everyone who went by. And he even chased the neighbor’s cats.

“What’s happened to you?” they said. “You used to be such a good dog.”

So he stopped barking and chasing cats, and everyone said, “You’re a good dog.”

The moral, as Snoopy typed it, is “Don’t do anything and you’ll be a good dog.”

As I turned the smile around in my mind, I noticed a quirk of the English language. Snoopy and God have something in common. They are related not only by alphabet (dog and god), but by what “creatures in the middle” expect of them. The idea intrigued me enough to try another version.



The God Who Never Did Anything

“You give me what I want now,” they said, “and be a good God.”

So He gave them what they wanted and He was a good God.

Then He decided to be an even better God.

He started knocking over the furniture of other gods, and He used pain to help people in ways they could not understand.

“What’s happened to You?” they said.

“You used to be such a good God.”

So He stopped knocking over the furniture of other gods, and He stopped using pain in ways that were beyond people’s ability to understand.

And everyone said, “You’re a good God.”

The moral, as angels might see it, “Stop acting like God and people will think You’re good.”


The God We Want

Many of us imagine God as we want Him to be. To our wishes we add expectation. We expect Him to encourage us when we are afraid, to comfort us when we’re hurt, to forgive us when we fail, and to give us what we think we need when we think we need it.

Yet, along the way, we keep stumbling into the awareness that the King of Heaven is more apt to come to us in His own style, time, and mystery. He is seldom as we imagine Him to be. He is more like the God who reveals Himself in the pages of His own history.

There He comes to us in the unexpected surprises of joy, in the unwanted nights of our misery, and in the solitary sounds of our own loneliness. He comes to us in the unexpected joys of Adam, in the numbed grief of Eve, in the inconsolable tears of the childless Hannah, in the murderous anger of Moses, and in the madness of a powerful Nebuchadnezzar.

But me? Until He responds, I’d rather have it my way. In the moments of my dissatisfaction, I don’t want to have to wait for what I want. I want it now. Now. I’ll pray. I’ll pay. I’ll bargain. I’ll crawl on my knees. But I want God to prove that He is good—right now.



The God Who Has Been Good

Even in our “maturity” we can be like 2- and 3-year-olds pulling at the pant leg of heaven. Our Father isn’t surprised. He knows how to raise physical, emotional, and spiritual toddlers. He knows how to run with us in our youth, and how to walk with us at 74, 84, and 94.

And for those who go further, He is still there, hearing once again our whimpers in the night, and reaching down with the affection of an adoring mother who carefully lifts her children from their crib to herself.

No, He has not always been the kind of parent we wanted Him to be. Yes, He has been good on His terms rather than on ours. He has not answered our prayers in the way we asked. Seldom has He allowed anything to play out according to our own expectations or childish demands. Yet His determination to lead us in the paths of His own choosing is what has made Him so good.


The God Who Will Be Good
The promise of tomorrow comes with the wrinkled snapshots of yesterday. Even though our memories are not as sharp as we’d like them to be, and even though the happy times are mixed with regret, our albums contain memories of a God who keeps reminding us that He is better than our expectations. He is better than our demands. He is better than anything this life has to offer.

If He allowed a relationship to be lost, He stayed with us to remind us that we weren’t made for one another as much as we were made for Him. As our bodies give way to time, they become painful reminders that we were not made for these bodies. We were made for the One who said from the top of a thundering, burning mountain—to a people huddled in the middle of a life-threatening wilderness—“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.”

This is the God who, because He is good, refuses to “stay home and do nothing.”


Father, thank You for a man named Charles Schulz who brought us elements of truth amid our smiles. Thank You for being God on Your terms rather than ours. May Your name be hallowed as we wait on You. May Your kingdom be reflected in our patience. May Your will be done in our disappointments. Please, give us this day our daily bread.

Updates

It has been some time already since i last posted anything on this blog. Few things have happened and i thought it was good for me to note it down.

JTC, my new work place. This is already the second week i'm in JTC. My first official job outside NTU (if i don't count my industrial attachement). The place has its plus points and also its not-so-plus points, according to me. But sufficient to say is that, i'm currently doing much passive work, i.e. reading, reading, reading, and sometimes listening too. Got to get familiarised with the work and the scope of things i needed to do. This can sometimes be quite boring.

Ups and downs. Have been quite emotional at times, although i tend to hide it. Expectations, set by others, set by me, set by God even. I just don't measure up. And when you ask if i have ever given my best? Nope, i rarely give my best. Maybe second best, possibly. So how can i be contented with myself? The inner struggle is strong. All i want is just peace. Peace, is it that hard to attain?

I recall many stories heard and learned...

One was from the Bible. The disciples were worried dead when their boat was rocking like mad in a strom, Jesus just keep on sleeping. At the end the disciples were rebuked because of their lack of faith. Lesson to self: Whatever storm it may be, Jesus is always there. Although it may seems that He's not in control, but trust Him, He is definately in control.

Another one was...what was it? forgotten... just forgot...

The point is that i am dissatisfied with my life. Felt that i'm an underachiever in all things. Yes, one could comfort me in saying that i've already been so good and so on and so forth. But still, I binge eat, i sin, i don't do sports, i don't give 100% for work, i don't obey God enough, i don't treat people well and as they should be treated, i boe chub a lot. My financial status is in a mess...

And these things are not things that i don't care, or couldn't care less about, these are the things that i wanted away with from my life. Yet, they seems to be there, and progress seemed stagnant.

One thing at a time. One step at a time. That's the thing i can say. STAY POSITIVE!
Sometimes, i don't know why, but i just wanted to write these things out. I don't cry often in front of people, this is my outlet. It's like screaming in outer space, at least it's void.

Ok lah, this is just a need for me to vent/trash things out. By right should be more postive now. :P

Anyways, i have another blog, which i only post on language related stuff. So henceforth, all my language related stuff will only be posted there. This will be a more personal blog. The other blog is at wenfang.wordpress.com

Thanks. That's all for now. thanks for reading until this line.

Hokkien Lesson 2

Hokkien 101

Get Up!

Thank God for the timely comfort. =)

Get Up!

God is my helper. —Psalm 54:4

I hadn’t been water-skiing in 15 years, but when friends offered to take my son-in-law Todd and me out on the lake last summer, how could I say no? It seemed like a good idea until I watched Todd have trouble getting upright on his skis. He had done a lot of skiing, but as he tried to get up on one ski, he kept falling. So when it came to my turn, I didn’t have a lot of confidence.

Fortunately, my friend who is a competitive skier stayed with me in the water and coached me about what to do. She said, “Let the boat pull you up,” and “Be strong!” These seemingly contradictory statements made all the difference. I did both—I trusted the boat to do its job, and I hung on with all my strength. The first time the boat took off, I got up and enjoyed a great ride around the lake.

When life has you down—whether through sorrow that seems too hard to bear or circumstances that make each day a morning-to-night grind—my friend’s advice can help. First, let God pull you up by His power (Ps. 54:1-4). Then, hold on to His hand. Cling to Him and “be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might” (Eph. 6:10).

Trust His power and hold on. He will give you the strength to keep from falling (Isa. 40:31). —Dave Branon

Savior, let me walk beside Thee,

Let me feel my hand in Thine;

Let me know the joy of walking

In Thy strength and not in mine. —Sidebotham

Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. —Isaiah 40:31

下一站-彩虹？

这个post,是蛮久以前写了个开头，就不了了之了。。觉得这个标题很好，很恰当。

在香港搭地铁，在到达每一站前播音系统会把下一站的名字告知大家。就像新加坡的Next Station-Clementi一样。香港的呢，是“下一站-。。。？”

不知道上帝的安排，心中的忐忑，因为自己离上帝有一点距离。上帝安排给我的下一站，是彩虹吗？我不知道。我也不知道明天会带来什么。虽然我知道谁掌管明天，虽然我知道无论高山低谷，主已为你我预备；但心中，仍然有着自私，不肯放手的地方。

就仿佛像一个不听话的小孩，就知道爸爸即将回到家里一样，明明知道爸爸无论是安慰，无论指责被，都是为自己好。可是，自己又不想屁股开花。

是奖赏？是惩罚？是安慰？是带领？

嗯，能得知的一个结论就是，还是乖乖的祷告吧。无论如何，乖乖的祷告，at least 心里有个准备。。。

MS Surface

Got this from Pauline's blog on multiply. Seems quite cool, but couldn't wait until the whole thing loads as i was rather sleepy. The player was not showing up, so i switched to using youtube instead.

那時他們才信

Picked up an old devotional book today, it's titled <荒漠甘泉>. The words in today's reading indeed somehow talked to me, even reprimanding me. May the good LORD have mercy.

七月二十四日

『那時他們才信了祂的話，歌唱讚美祂。等不多時，他們就忘了祂的作為，不仰望祂的指教，反倒在曠野大起慾心，在荒地試探上帝。祂將他們所求的賜給他們，卻使他們的心靈軟弱。』（詩一百零六篇十二至十五節）

我們曾讀過摩西，『他恆心忍耐，如同看見那不能看見的主』（來11：27）。在上面一段記載裏，我們又看見以色列人和摩西剛好相反。他們只會在環境順利的時候歌唱讚美上帝；環境一改變，信心也隨著改變了。他們原應該安息在那看不見的永生上帝裏面的，可是他們卻被四圍物質的東西統治了。

有一群基督徒，他們的生活時冷、時熱；時高、時低；這是甚麼原因呢？就是因為他們被物質的東西佔住了，他們本該以上帝為中心的，卻去以環境為中心了。上帝願意我們在每一件事物上都看見祂，凡帶有祂信息的事物，一件都不能忽略。

剛才我們讀過以色列人，『那時他們才信了祂的話。』他們一直不信－直到看見了上帝的工作以後才信。當他們行近紅海的時候，他們對上帝還是懷疑的；但是當上帝為他們開了路，帶領他們過去，讓他們看見法老和他的全軍被水淹沒了－『那時他們才信。』

他們一直過著一上一下的生活，這是一種倚靠環境的心。這種信心，不是上帝所喜悅的。世界告訴我們應當『見而信』，但是上帝要我們『信而見』。寫詩篇的人說：『我若不信在活人之地得見耶和華的恩惠，就早已喪膽了』（詩27：12）。

親愛的讀者，你是單在環境順利的時候信上帝呢，還是不論環境怎樣，你總是信祂呢？－C. H. P.

信心是相信我們所不見的，信心的酬報，就是得見我們所相信的。－奧古斯丁（St. Augustine）

Last day

Clementi Lights

I took these pictures in Clementi. Probably it's because of Singapore's National Day, but these lights resemble Christmas (Orchard Road Style) more than National Day.

CeMNet - last official day

Yes, today was the last official day of work for me in CeMNet. And surprisingly enough, i don't have much to talk about it. Just to note and jot it down, for the record.

I will still be going back, on a goodwill basis. As prof Clement seem to still have something for me to do. Perhaps for another week or so.

And i am down with a cold. The weather was quite bad. Maybe it's because i'm sick, so my brain isn't working that well.

Guess i'll just end it here.

CeMNet (III)

It's already 2:39AM, Somehow i just don't feel like sleeping. So, while listening to the music of "Simply Loving You" by SOP, maybe i would just write another post about my 2 years in CeMNet.

It was a period of ups and downs. However, there is one period of time, that is really worth remembering. I call it the time when i seperated fruits from mp3 players.

Somewhere in april or may last year, after the ACM Multimedia 2006 conference, Clement held a meeting with me and 2 other students. He shared with us the advancements and what others in image processing research have been doing. One of the thing he shared was that Microsoft Research Asia has come up with a way to intelligently organize the search result of a image search.

Let me give you an example (and some might have heard this for many many times). Suppose a person googles the word "apple" to search for images. He might get a mixture of fruits, ipods, and Fiona Apple. So MSRA has developed a system to seperate the results of images into different clusters of meaningful groups. And so, i'm supposed to build on top of this, and be better than them.

It was horrible. Period.

I remembered i only went back once in a few months when the sun was just setting. Other than that, it was either the last bus, or 240. Most of the time i got back at around 2-3AM, and went straight back to work at 8AM. And deadline after deadline, problems after problems, it was just plain terrible. Boss gave me the look like he never saw anyone more stupid than i am. My work was constantly the subject of ridicule. What to do? I'm just a freshgraduate back then, trying to start to do some research. I developed bossophobia. That by walking pass his office, would give me such a scare in my heart everytime.

My paper was accepted. At the PacificRim Conference on Multimedia 2006. It was a conference with an acceptance rate of 15%. Honestly speaking, i had to admit that i was fortunate to be accepted. But boss replied me this after he received the news "Congratulations, but i was surprised". Apparently he was more upset that another better paper by other students was rejected. This could be due to poor reviewers giving random reviews, and as it goes, i just got lucky. Anyway, it just felt bad for me. (And this is only part of the story)

At the end of the day, i decided to quit my masters. Seeing no light at where i am currently. Boss also supported my decision. To be fair to boss, he was just being pragmatic. I have too many commitments, and i have indeed wasted too much of my time on useless stuff as well. It was sad indeed for me back then at around January this year when i decided to quit.

Call me stupid, if you will. I have taken this path, instead of what could be better or worse, considering the fact that i could be with A*Star's I2R, Lucas Films and so on (who gave me, or wanted to have an interview with me). But i must admit that i have learned through this experience, hopefully.

I always wondered and envied my peers. Those who went to uni together with me. Some of them working really well as an aerospace engineer, flying here and there to repair airplanes; as a banker in Switzerland; as a Statistician and an Investor earning big bucks; or even as my roommate who complains of how bad his pay is, and is getting SGD3800 per month.

It remains a scar in my heart. Have to pull it out. Or just plain forget about it. People like me sometimes fall into the trap of blaming others for their own misfortune. I must admit that i have failed, and i was the one who made the wrong moves and yes, i have to pay for it.

I guess i will have to rise again after i fall. Pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

CeMNet (II)

The place i work in is named CeMNet. The boss i work for is called Clement. Furthermore, i live in Clementi. What a coincidance. CeMNet is short for Centre for Multimedia and Network Technology, and is one of the largest research lab in the School of Computer Engineering, Nanyang Technological University.

Since this post is not just an intro of the lab, i'll be adding in my own opinions and comments about the place.

Firstly, it's partitioned to many cubicles. And the walls are indeed tall. Perfect for some reclusive researcher, or some slacker who is playing WarCraft, watching TV or sleeping. The students takes up the majority of the place, while we staff sit at one corner of our own. This again leaves me seperated from my whole research group.

Oh ya, you can have a look at my lab. I was in charge of taking care of the web cam to our lab. http://155.69.254.94/FYPWeb/SCE03-257/JVCCam.aspx (Haha) You can zoom in and out, and rotate the camera. If nothing appears on your screen, just refresh the browser.

Day in day out, i was at this lab, working (um...ya.. working). In fact, the lab itself was indeed quite a boring place, that i can't really think of what to write about it. Maybe, i'll talk about my other friends in the lab next time around.

One more week to go

It's thursday today. And this marks the starting of the last 7 days for me in CeMNet. I'll be leaving (on a jetplane?) next thursday. Probably it would be appropreate for me to write something in rememberance of the lab. Maybe i'll start off with the people in the lab.

This section outlines the people whom i have working relationship with (relax, everything will be politically correct, if you want the juicy version, email me):

1. Dr. Clement. My boss. What am i supposed to say? A straightforward person, who sometimes forgets things. Working with him, i have learned to be always pro-active, noting and jotting things down, and perfection.
2. Ms Oh and Ms Chua. The 2 lab executives (as they call it) of our lab. Typical Singapore law by law style. Everything must have a purpose, everything must be in black and white. By doing so, they do (in some sense) ensure that things don't get out of hand. (Must always be careful)
3. PET-DEVICE++ group members. Zhou Chen, Xu Min, Yi Haoran, Wang Huan, Chu Yang, Wang Surong, Hu Yiqun, Liu Song. All PRC. I was the only Malaysian in the team. Thank God for me being able to speak Mandarin. If not for them, my life would indeed be more difficult. Thanks for the help guys.
4. Cleaning Auntie. There were 2 aunties throughout my period in CeMNet. The first one was in some way, very cool. An old lady with very very few words (if any). The second was more friendly and approachable. Always keep the place clean and tidy for us. Thanks

That's all for now. Updates later.

dot dot dot ..... .... ... .. .

It's 1:44am now.

Somehow it just felt not right for a nice cozy sleep after that game of tennis. I reache home at about 11, did some things that i normally do, and some that i don't normally do. Watched the latest episode of 'On the first beat', read 'Our Daily Bread', the 'Bible in one year', prayed and now, blogging.

I have to update, at least just as a keepsake for my good old online journal. Journal is a nice word to use. Better than a blogpost, or a diary entry. 'Jour' is 'day' in French, where we have Bon Jour = Good Day, and Journey = a day's travel. Journal would roughly be a day's keepsake, perhaps.

Finding a job can be hard, or it can be easy. Sometimes it is just our point of view, and what we want from it. Money? Experience? Lessons? Life? Livelihood? Teamwork? Friends? I guess i have to organize and be clear of what i want, before i ram into anything that comes by. Money seems to be an issue, with my current financial state, yup, i would really love more money. (yeah, some of us will argue otherwise, saying i should not need so much anyway, yada yada yada...). Career advancement? I don't know. What i like to do most, might not be something that i deem able to contribute to society in a very positive way. (if you guys know what i wanted...)

Anyway,still finding. Still waiting for interviews, waiting for results, waiting for the time to pass out from CeMNet.

Note to self: must be more positive, must be more pro-active, must take on life's problems and "settle-kan dia" (Malay-English for Singlish's 'Settle it')

Writer's block. Don't know what to write liao (oops, singlish coming in). Sianz man. And yet i'm still feeling strong and awake.

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a poor farmer and his son. The poor farmer worked very hard everyday, to make ends meet, and to ensure that his son gets a good education.

The chlid was very hardworking and diligent, spending many hours of his days to study, and eventually went to college.

What do you think happend to this child? What do you think that will befall the poor old farmer?

...

Penang

It's been a while since i last posted. Was chatting with kp and jingjing today regarding plans to go to Penang. Interestingly enough, i was at the national library one fine day and happen to spot a book on Penang hawker food. Here are some pictures.

A stall at the 大树下, a place near Cantoment road for roadside food.

The famed Char Koay Teow, served with banana leaf
Lam Mee 淋面,a mild but nice noodle dish
Penang curry mee, or laksa as they call it in Singapore

View from Hainan town, a restaurant that serves Hainanese food
Penang wet market
The book where most of the pictures came from. This is the fried noodles and curry mee stall in front of Air Itam Methodist Church
Chilly, red and green, all ready and waiting
The Penang Laksa, sour and hot, the way Penangites liked it

Books, deja Vu

I don't know when and why i started to like reading books. I think it was because of my elder brother. He was 3 years older than me, and he went to US to study when i was still in secondary school. Once when he came back, he brought home a book, the title is "The Color Purple". I read it. Then he brought back another book, "Angela's Ashes". I read it. My mum also likes to read, she brought a book, "Falling leaves", i read it. And many many more, soon enough, i also started to like reading.

Anyway, here's a list of the books that i have read (Mainly novels, i do read other books, just don't put them here)

Frank McCourt - Angela's Ashes

Frank McCourt - 'Tis

Tetsuko Kuroyanagi - Totto Chan

Alice Walker - The Color Purple

Cynthia Kadohata - Kira-kira

Mark Haddon - The Curios Incident of the Dob in the Night Time
Adeline Yen Mah - Falling Leaves

My first Minesweeper game

Done my first minesweeper game after numerous attemps to sit down and listen to "how to play" by my friends. A game this size should normally be done in 15 to 20 seconds while i did it in 227 seconds...

Some say it's a stupid game, but it's in fact a very mathematical game. In mathematics, it's a NP-complete problem to solve. Have a look at the full details of the game here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minesweeper_(computer_game)

Triplets Part 2

Where were we? Oh ya... we were talking about how these words combine..and how familiar they are...

众人。。lots of people
掱手。。是什么？是小偷！小偷是什么？小偷就是我们常骂的“三只手”！

毳（cuì）：会意。从三毛。本义：鸟兽的细毛。
毳毛。。医学上指人体表面除头发、阴毛、腋毛外，其他部位生的细毛。俗称“寒毛

And here's a list of the rest. Seriously, you might need to magnify the text size to see them.

飝(fēi) ： 刕(lí) ： 厽(lěi) ： 叒(ruò) ： 壵(zhuàng) ： 尛(mó) ： 孨(zhuǎn) ： 歮(sè) ： 惢(suǒ) ： 皛(xiǎo) ： 畾(léi) ： 嚞(zhé) ： 舙(qì) ： 譶(tà) ： 雥(zá) ： 灥(xún) ： 飍(xiū) ： 馫(xīn) ： 飝(fēi) ： 厵(yuán) ： 靐(bìng) ： 龘(dá) ：

See we have 皛(xiǎo) 。。how come。。皛白。。小白。。哈。。

These words are not really used that much now. Mostly in names. Can you imagine a boy with the name 龍龘, and his friend 丁一? What will happen when their teacher punishes them to write their name 100 times?

anyways, it's been fun. See if i can post more such things.

triple the power

Ok, some complained that i'm too pessimistic. So yeah, maybe i'm a bit depressed? Haha, well, as long as don't want to stay that way.

Ok, to have a change, let me blog about something interesting (to some people). Nothing personal, nothing out of the heart, just some interesting facts that i found.

Was with Jingjing one fine day in a hawker centre when we found the name of a stall to be something 淼 (miǎo), so we tried to think of all the chinese words that is made up of 3 simple words stacked together. but could only think of a few. I compiled a list of them...hahah.... enjoy. I'll highlight the ones i think cool

金木水火土（五行名称)
⑴鑫，读xīn，财富兴盛（多用于人名或字号）。
⑵森，读sēn,形容树林多。
⑶淼，读miǎo, <书>形容水大。用于渺茫，浩淼等词语。
⑷焱，读yａn，<书>火花，火焰。多用于人名。
⑸垚，读yａo，<书>山高。多用于人名。

动物
犇（bēn），“奔”的异体字，意思是急走、跑；急着去做。最牛的汉字当属“犇”，美中不足的是“犇”的字义不是特别牛。
羴，读shān，同“膻”。像羊肉的气味
猋，读biāo , ①迅速。②同“飙”，暴风
骉，读biāo，<书>许多马跑的样子
麤，读chū，同“粗”
鱻（xiān），“鲜”的异体。
赑（bì）。赑屃（bìxì）：传说中的一种动物，像龟。 This is one word where MinNan still uses. This is the tail-less tortoise. 车笑赑无尾。Tortoise laugh at the Tail-less tortoise.

人手口耳毛（人体五件)
众，读zhｏng，许多人。
掱，读pａ, 俗语三只手，即扒手。
品，读pǐn，物品，等级，种类等义。
聂，读niｅ，“聂”的繁体字。
毳，读cuｉ，<书>鸟兽的细毛。

A closer look at 口
15 品（pǐn），本义是众多。“品”从三口。口代表人，三个表多数，意即众多的人。
两个口，吕，甲骨文字形，象脊骨形，是“膂”的本字。本义：脊梁骨
三个口，品
四个口，█（该字实在是打不出来）（jí），众口。

of course, we have this one
晶（jīng）：甲骨文字形，从三日，表示光亮之意。本义：光亮，明亮

Note also how these words combine, and we have some very sensible words:
... (to be continued...)

Days of nothingness

It's been the third week in a row now. The thrid week where work slows down to a crawl. And it's not an easy thing to do. For those who think i'm a total "choe boe" person, "choe boe" your pig head lah.

Well, basically, i have 3 jobs given to me by my boss. Firstly, there is a programming job, which i have to liaise with a PhD student to do it. It's basically to create a web site that accesses his computer programme. But the problem is, this person (by the name of Colin) has gone back to his home country and is only contactable via email. So whenever i bump into a problem which i cannot solve, i have to email him, wait, and wait, for him to reply. If he's merciful enough, he'll reply within that day, normally it takes him one day to reply. I'm still waiting for his reply since last friday. At the mean time i can only try blindly.

Secondly, i am supposed to promote my project's website. The main aim, is of course to be on top of google's list, so that many many people may come by and visit. But this task is given to me, without any budget. So i have to do it the "free" way. Which is not entirely possible since people do pay google to be on their list and so on, or at least that page must be highly referenced.

Thirdly, i am supposed to continue development on a game that i created some time back. This game, offers the player no reward, no sense of tension whatsoever, who's going to play?

So most often i sit in front of the computer, blank, doing useless things like watching drama, checking email, and yeah, looking busy.

This have to change, i actually have to motivate myself, and somehow make myself useful i guess. These days of nothingness ain't fun at all. It's like standing in line, at the death row, wondering when will my boss come and wallop me up.

Mario Vs Sonic

Hmm.... interesting

...

This is a post from the lady who passed away because of overworking. It's sad. And the thing that saddens me more is the bunch of insensitive idiots that pass judgement and comments on her blog site. Can't you just say some words of comfort and let her soul rest? Do the talking in parliment, in MOM, in any other place, not on her blog site. for goodness sake.

I'm not going to comment on this one. It's really quite sad.

Worked Up, Stressed Up, Crashed Down

Apr 21, '07 10:08 AMfor everyone

I never know my limits til now... Getting a job was never ever easy and having something good sure have a sacrifice for something else. Coming a long line of different jobs and doing different things have got me realise just 1 thing - I could never stay too long in a job now. The longest would be in LTA for 7.5 yrs, that was my 1st job as a clerical officer. After that, it was all sorts of different jobs in different industry facing all sorts of difficulties. I came to HP started as an Admin Executive in Sep last year & changing to a Partner Support Manager in Mar just this year.

Just after getting this recent position, I was thrilled to finally have the chance to "fly high" in a Fortune 500 MNC. It's ok for me to wake at 3.30am to start work @ 4.30am everyday in the morning. But never did I realise what kind of stuff were coming towards me... What I face everyday as a partner support manager is having more than 100 emails per day (I'm not joking, they're no good ones), partners from New Zealand practically "screaming" to be served first, getting their orders delivered ASAP, wanting everything, complaining of everything. Month end was the most "exciting" part, you get to go on concalls almost everyday, prepare backlog reports for each concall session which consists of 500 over orders remaining undelivered, investigating item by item. That's just the qty. What abt the amount in $$? Millions of NZ dollars involved. I've got 6 large partners and these are what I have to handle. Besides, I've got to work at home during non-working hours including weekends, just doing my best to clear my work. Did I mention my team is really short-handed? Only 3 of us managers handling the whole of NZ. All for the sake of a salary just enough to keep myself alive for a month. I'm not earning like the other managers are cos I'm only a contract staff.

Taking over the duties of a colleague who just left on Thu made me realise that she was indeed a supergirl. The amount of workload she handled was a complete hell. I cannot imagine how she could handle all these for 1 year. She was so bloody happy to be able to quit this job. All her stress has been relieved & put on me. Well, great huh! My colleagues including me, dislike my boss. By the way, he just gave me more work to do, on top of other things! I don't know how to voice out to him that I'm so stressed up right now.

I've got myself sick these few days. Had diarrhea last Thu, hurt my knee and was limping badly since last Sunday, had breathlessness since Wed & fainted after work on that day at my office lift lobby, knocked my head against the wall when I fainted, collapsed again last night at home. Now my chest feels really tight & breathing is really tough. Getting up & walk, I just feel like I'm carrying a heavy baggage of few hundred kilos & I'll start to feel really weak & dizzy. Doc just said I'm really stressed out. sigh..... what should I do? Quit? or continue this ultra-super stressful job? I've got a contract of 6 mths to fulfill... 3 months to commit. If I quit now, I've got to pay back 1 mth's salary. Not worth it. If i quit after May, it won't be so bad. But I don't know if my health can tolerate til then. My mom's really worried & I can't do much to get less worried. Cos my focus was to earn lots of $. I really thought I was able to do everything, that I can be supergirl as well, but my health is worsening at a fast rate. Vitamin M(oney) isn't gonna cure my health. Just yesterday, I received an email from my job agency saying that a contract staff who's working in HP as well, passed away from heart attack, leaving his wife & kids... deja vu? coincidental? a warning sign? I dunno. I don't wanna end up dead for the sake of dough. The moral of the story is don't ever fall in love with your company or your job.

The Heart of Greed

Recently i've been watching this Hong Kong drama serial, and i must say, that it is very very disturbing. I don't know the word to describe such drama, but it seems that this genre originated from Taiwan. It's the 家无宁日 kind of film.

This type of film, is a bit different from 琼瑶. In her novels, you'll focus on the "lover pair" and feel sorry for them. But in these Taiwan and current HK one i'm watching, it's one 家无宁日after another 家无宁日scene. Very disturbing. At times i just cannot continue watching.

Anyway, the poster of the film. The cast is quite good actually.

Pligrim's Progress [1] 天路历程

As I walked through the wilderness of this world, I lighted on a certain place where was a den, [3] and laid me down in that place to sleep; and as I slept, I dreamed a dream. I dreamed, and behold, I saw a man clothed with rags, standing in a certain place, with his face from his own house, a book in his hand, and a great burden upon his back. Isa 64:6; Luke 14:33; Psalm 38:4. I looked and saw him open the book, and read therein; and as he read, he wept and trembled; and not being able longer to contain, he brake out with a lamentable cry, saying, “What shall I do?” Acts 2:37; 16:30; Habak 1:2,3.

In this plight, therefore, he went home, and restrained himself as long as he could, that his wife and children should not perceive his distress; but he could not be silent long, because that his trouble increased. Wherefore at length he brake his mind to his wife and children; and thus he began to talk to them: “O, my dear wife,” said he, “and you the children of my bowels, I, your dear friend, am in myself undone by reason of a burden that lieth hard upon me; moreover, I am certainly informed that this our city will be burnt with fire from heaven; in which fearful overthrow, both myself, with thee my wife, and you my sweet babes, shall miserably come to ruin, except (the which yet I see not) some way of escape can be found whereby we may be delivered.” At this his relations were sore amazed; not for that they believed that what he had said to them was true, but because they thought that some frenzy distemper had got into his head; therefore, it drawing towards night, and they hoping that sleep might settle his brains, with all haste they got him to bed. But the night was as troublesome to him as the day; wherefore, instead of sleeping, he spent it in sighs and tears. So when the morning was come, they would know how he did. He told them, “Worse and worse:” he also set to talking to them again; but they began to be hardened. They also thought to drive away his distemper by harsh and surly carriage to him; sometimes they would deride, sometimes they would chide, and sometimes they would quite neglect him. Wherefore he began to retire himself to his chamber to pray for and pity them, and also to condole his own misery; he would also walk solitarily in the fields, sometimes reading, and sometimes praying: and thus for some days he spent his time.

我在旷野里行走，来到一个地方，那里有个洞穴，我就在 那儿躺下睡觉：我睡熟了，做了一个梦。

唉，我梦见一个衣衫褴褛的人站在那儿， 背后就是他自己的房子， 他手里拿着一本书， 背上背着一件看来很重的东西。 我见他打开手上的一本书念着；他一面念，一面不住地流泪， 浑身颤抖着；他委实控制不住了，发出一声悲伤的呼喊：“我 该怎么办呢？”

就在这样极度苦恼的境况中，他转身回家去了。他强自压 制着，以免他的妻子和儿女们发觉他的悲痛；可是他不能长久 保持缄默，因为他的烦恼越来越厉害了。他终于把他的心事告 诉了妻子和儿女，他对他们这样说：“唉，我亲爱的妻子，你 们，我的亲生儿女，我是你们亲爱的友伴，我可要被那压在我 身上的重负毁了；并且我确实知道我们这个城市将要给天火烧 毁；在那场可怕的灾难里，我自己，你，我的妻子，和你们， 我可爱的儿女，都将同归于尽，除非我们能够想出一个逃生的 办法，可是到如今我还想不出什么办法来。”他家中的人听了 这番话，好生诧异；这并非因为他们相信他的话，而是他们认 为他的神经错乱了；因此，等到傍晚天快黑的时侯，他们希望 睡眠能够使他的神经镇静下来，就急忙打发他去睡觉。但是对他说来，黑夜和白天同样烦恼；因此，他不但睡不着觉，而且 整夜的叹息、流泪。后来，天亮了，他们急着要知道他的情形。 他告诉他们，更糟，更糟。他又开始对他们讲话；可是他们开 始狠起心来了。他们还想用强硬粗暴的态度来驱除他的怪病； 有时他们愚弄他，有时责骂他，有时根本不理睬他。因此他就 回到自己的房间里去为他们祈祷，一心的怜悯他们，同时他也 为自己的痛苦寻求安慰；他还独个儿在田野里徘徊，有时候看 书，有时候祈祷；他就这样度过了好多日子。

有一天我看见他在田地里走着，照常看着书，显出满怀痛 苦的神气；他一面看书，一面又那样大声喊着：“我怎么才能 得救呢？”

Pictures...

Some photos i found off the net, do tell me which one you all liked the most. Somehow i turned out to like photography, but wasn't really able to become really good at it. Never put in the effort i guess.

(i'm not the copyright holder of these images, if they belong to someone who is not willing to share, i'll take them down)

今日真系好闷。咩o也都作吾到。真系好晒时间啊。。。
o感闷，闷到要用广东话o黎写blog

本来系要帮个PhD学生做一个网页，但系o巨俾的资料又唔够。所以就要email o巨..又要等。。。

Sick

Among many illustrations in the Bible, i personally loved the picture of us being fallen, being sick patients waiting to be healed, and Jesus, God as the great healer.

A writer once said something like this, looking at the cruel history of Christianity, of all the roads that this faith has walked, all the sumbling blocks, all the detours, we can conclude that we are no better than any body else. But here's the main point, Christians aren't a group of elite people on earth, we are just a group of sick people, admitting we need help. All men have indeed fallen, and it's just by God's grace that we were once blind, but can now see that we are sick, and in need of help.

The Church today has many many denominations, some mock and hate each other, some greedy for money, some stay "super holy", some stay "super secular", and the list goes on. The Word of God itself, while some say there must be a representative to interprete, while other say it's Sola Scriptura. Fractions. In chinese the word to use is 一盘散沙。

At the end of the day, one thing i still hold fast is the absoluteness of God. He will judge and tell one day, who has been faithful to him, and who has been faithful to themselves. And it's no easy task for us to differentiate. An act of helping us to worship better, might be a selfish act in itself, for instance. I'm not getting into any topics now.

God must be very dismayed. It's already a few thousand years, for God's sake. But this just serves to prove that we, are indeed sick, and gravely ill. Spiritually. God's love is indeed great, and it's depth, can only be more then what's enough to take on the sea of our sins, betrayal, disrespect, dischord, and again, the list goes on.

Dear Lord, you came to heal us. Jer 3:22 Return, ye backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings. Jer 3:22 你們這背道的兒女啊，回來吧！我要醫治你們背道的病。 But it's going to take our whole lifetime for it. Forgive us O Lord. Do You weep in heaven for us? Dear Lord, all the more we know we cannot come to You by our own fallen, limited understanding. Yet, the Holy Spirit seems so elusive to us. May we also act on what we can dear Lord. May our every step, be as an offering to You. Forgive us. Heal us.

In Jesus' Name. Amen

hmm....

It's been some time since i last posted something solid (or did i ever?). Probably i was occupied with a couple of things i guess.

Many things happened around the world as well. As well as poeple around me. We have a couple of shootings, a serious road accident, a case of cancer, a case of critical diabetes, exams, and the list goes on.

I also have some issues of my own too. Been feeling kinda down lately. Not exactly up and running. Work also have been stalled.

Can i conclude that this is a bad week? Can i say that this is one lousy week?

But this is just how we response, isn't it? While some people just can't seem to find a reason to cheer up, maybe i can? Maybe i can smile and hold my head up high, without being a bit Ah Q? You can, yes indeed, in fact, there are a few ways to it.

You can be a "can't-be-bothered" person. As long as these things doesn't happen to ourselves, why care? Who cares anyway?

You can be stupid. Yup, a stupid person couldn't even comprehend, much less feel for it.

You can be a person that sees all these as necessary. Just like a doctor who is helping a patient clean his wounds, the pain that the patient feels is an indication that the medication is indeed being applied at the right spot.

You can also believe that God is in control. And trust that His wisdom is far more greater than ours. And believe that, although we might not make sense of what is happening, but if we have our hope and trust in Him, we can indeed have peace.

I have not posses any of the above. i wish can be in the last category. But at the meantime, we struggle, we press on. Yup, there will be times when we are tired, then we rest. The road of pilgrimage is one bumpy journey, no less difficult.

P.S. i have yet to deal with all the issues i have mentioned at the beginning of this post.

Yet another day

Feeling a bit drowsy today, as i had not enough sleep yesterday. So thought of posting an image that somewhat reflects my mood today (joking...)

Just in some of you didn't get the idea of what i'm talking about, look at the signboard of the coffee shop.

On the lookout

Received an email this morning. A church elder sent an email to his church, calling all to go and support Benny Hinn. As he's in Singapore this coming weekend?


Anyway, i have heard about this guy before. Mostly negative. Do i want to tell you the negative stuff? There's a video that i found, very disturbing. Decided not to put here.

Anyway, I am also reminded that we must be careful not to judge too soon. If this guy is really working by the Holy Spirit, then we say bad things about it... must be careful. (Mark 3:29..hm...)

At the end of the day, this whole issue is not exactly about Mr Hinn. It's more about how do we stand. Yes, how do we stand.

How firm are our Biblical values? How sure are we of our Biblical knowledge? How much has it affected our lives, and the lives of our friends and loved ones? We can't just go around telling people that this person is false and that person is false, while we don't know the reason. But what do we do in the meantime? Do we just accept everything? Reject everything? Points to ponder i suppose.

I'm leaving this topic open. Eyes getting a bit droopy now. Should sleep.

P.S. I viewed my blog after i published this. The more i look at the video, the more i find it disturbing. (Most probably due to the music...bad music. Bad.) I'll probably be taking this post down (at least the video...) anytime soon.

基督教信仰与世界宗教及文化

Definately mind opening and intense. I'll be trying my best to be there. Join me? (Oh, you will need to click on the image to enlarge it.)

nothing

It's Monday.

A whole new week ahead. As i review my week, somehow i lack words to describe it. A little bit of everything i suppose.

However, i guess it's time to put a temporal halt to the gloomy emo blog posts. I'm not a motivator, i'm just a pilgrim, a struggling person on his way.

Anyway, a new week is about to dawn, and i guess it's going to be quite a busy week. Have quite a bit to do at work as well.

Response

Fools.

This is the word that describes us humans. Homo sapiens. Why, if Eve would know she was getting this kind of wisdom, would she eat it? It's a pretty bad deal, isn't it? Only us fools would be so gullible to believe. (A side note, and I'm again not saying anything bad about salesmen, but just an observation) We still do make the same choices now, don't we? We see television ads promising slim bodies, cleaner clothes, easier life, "at a very low price of SGD XX.XX" "CALL NOW!" We do, let's just admit it shall we?

But behind this, behind all these, i see that we are normally the passive ones. Like sheep, we wait, like it or not, we wait. We wait to be fed, wait to be chased by those pesky border collies to the open meadows, wait to be chased back, wait to be shaved, wait. In other words, we respond.

So how good do we fare? With our fallen nature, and fallen mind, my guess is that we have all failed. God gave us chances to grow, to be loved by Him. He prepared a spiritual family for us, He prepared ministry for us, He prepared so much for us. The so-called "green pastures". Yet, we respond in two ways...

like swines, we prefer to play with dirt. And believe me, dirt can be very fun. (figuratively speaking of course. By the way, scientific reports show that dirt makes people happy by working just the same as anti depressants)

like sheep, we wait until someone kicks us, until someone whoops us. And when that happen, we turn around, "huh?"-ed, and continue to stay put at our present state.

God so love the world, that He gave His only begotten Son. We happily receive, celebrates His birthday (with someone else, sometimes) and move on with our lives. So nice of buying a spiritual insurance. Leaving you without worries so you can go on and live life, your own way. We are saved, aren't we?

When will God's love grind our hearts so deep, until all the "old self" oozes out, completely? Do i really want to hit rock bottom before turning into a spiritual person? Do we all really wanted it this way? When will grace be really amazing in our hearts? When will it be etched so deeply in us? I thought we were once blind, but now we see? Isn't this what Newton sang? Then WE BECAME SHORT SIGHTED AGAIN, SEVERELY. So sad, isn't it?

So, the Great Physician, really is very great indeed. Greater then human understanding, if not we would say that He have failed. Very patient indeed. Well, of course time didn't matter to Him (besides the 33 years here..), but the heartache is really for Him i guess. Forgive us Lord, for we know not what we do.

The bottom line is, when will we be burning, like the bush that Moses saw, burning, but not consumed, potentially burning to eternity?

At the end of the day, Jesus did told us, that He is the Way. Way, meaning, a passage to carry one through, scientifically from point A to point B. Now, if the end point is perfect, then, we are imperfect, let's just make sure we are heading in the right direction, shall we?

P.S. Thanks to JJ and KP for replying. Listening ears are great. =)

Good Friday -- Part 2

It's already 1057pm. I'm trying to type despite the fact that i don't seem to have much to type. Nothing concrete, nothing of a form, nothing of enough substance. Nevertheless, i guess there are a few thoughts that i would like to ponder, and here's probably the place to think out loud.

It's Good Friday. In Jewish terms, it's already the second day. There's a name for this Saturday, is it Holy Saturday? Palm Sunday, Ash Wednesday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday and finally Easter Sunday. Wonder the fact that i don't think many of us know this (i must confess that i don't know, just checked it out on the net, a lame joke was that i thought Maundy was Monte..you know... Monte Carlo...hmm... imagine the difference in meaning...).

Somehow i have the idea that we should commemorate this day, and when people don't do that "for the whole day", i feel it's just not right. Of course, this event of our Lord being crucified should be commemorated each and every day, and not just 1 single day of the whole year. Then, somehow i feel it's just a bit not right. Let me just share from 4 events/thoughs i had today. A Classical Piece, A Good Friday Service, A part cell group part gospel rally, and Christmas.

There was supposed to be a cell group (i'm not telling which group) gathering today. And a person in the cell group emailed and say that he/she will not be going, and will rather spend time listening to Beethoven's Missa Solemnis. Some thought it was a book. I didn't think much about this, but coming to think of it, Beethoven writing a book? I went online to check and see, well, it's a classical piece that Beethoven composed and liked alot. Point: it's 17 minutes long (forgive me if i'm wrong). I either have to admire this person's ability to contemplate this song for the whole afternoon (i slept while listening to it), or to admire his/her straight forward attitude in rejecting "not so benificial" gatherings. (Again, i'm making judgements here, he/she might not be thinking this way). Anyway, exams are coming up soon. Or i'll have to dislike his/her style of being a little snobbish. (yes, i'm making judgement here again, please do not follow my example...)

Went to my Church's service this morning. Was late, as i was watching a drama serial downloaded on my computer. Was sleepy throughout the service. This serves as a reminder how weak i am. Emotional one minute, indifference the next. Well done.

Went to the abovementioned cell group in the afternoon. Somehow i find it a bit hard to play games in Good Friday. I was a little apprehensive at first when reading the email, as there will be ice breaking games as this is a combined cell group gathering. At the end of the day, it turned out to be a Gospel rally of some sorts, and i guess it was all in all ok. But still, no mention of Good Friday, except for the question: Do you know what day is today? But as i said, as i said, it was a good gathering, with some indepth thinking for some new friends watching a documentary, as well as sharing from some brothers and sisters.

Lastly, been thinking a bit about Christmas and Easter. See the difference in the acceptance level of the general public between Christmas and Easter?

Anyways, Good night, and Good friday.

Good Friday

This is probably one of the very few posts this year about my faith and my walk in Faith.

It's hard these days to talk about what i believe, what i struggle in. Probably because i've grown more and more away, distant from the One who love me. Probably i've become more and more cynical...more skeptical. Probably i've placed myself further away. Probably i had some arguments with Him. Probably i'm being bitter. As i shared during the post graduate cell group, i'm now a bit "unfamiliar" with Jesus.

It's sad, it's depressing. I remembered when i was better than what i am now. I remembered when i use to care. I remembered when i was less "boe chab" (couldn't care less attitude). I remembered i once was concerned for the salvation of this world. I remembered i cared and have a heart for the elderly...

Today's thursday (strictly speaking, it's already friday now). Jingjing was not feeling well today, i sent her back and let her rest early. I told her briefly of my condition, and added that i would like to watch Mel Gibson's the Passion of The Christ. I told her i was scared. I had an expectation, i expect myself to cry, to be emotional. What if i did not cry? What if i show myself to be so so so distant from God?

I slotted in the VCD. As i began to watch this film, my neighbours were outside having a good time, laughing and talking out loud. When i finished the film, my housemate was outside my room singing to TMNT. There were not exactly distractions, just a little ironic. Don't you think?

I cried.

I saw myself in that film. I saw how low human beings can go. I saw how far Jesus went for me. Words can't express what i feel. I prayed for forgiveness, for my sins, for my foolishnes...

Even as i walk away, still feeling a bit sad that one fine day, i'll go astray again (as if i'm now fine and all pretty), i have a certain peace in me. Yeah, that film was indeed very visual. Yes, this film is one that depicted my Lord's suffering to the most extreme, and it is real. Yes, i cried, i cried asking why Jesus would do such a thing for a bunch of stupid fools; i cried for seeing me as one of them; i cried, period.

But at the end of the day, after a few moments of "cooling down", i have a sense of quietness, probably a sense of numbness. But i would like to call it peace, if i can have it my way. And i thank God, for Good Friday.

Thank you Lord. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Slow on the gratitude

Guess I'm pretty slow in praising others, or at least, in replying to others. This has been nagging in my mind for some time now and thought i would do an apology over here (although doubting the number of audience/readers).

My apologies goes out to a long list of people, let me see, there's Jane (of course), KP, mr Wong, Justin, MingZhi & MingYuan, Liyi.... hmm... and the list goes on

Yeah, it's not just an issue of slow response, i guess it's more of a numbness in me. In life, in responding to life.

Let's make things happen and change that, starting from this post, shall we?

Hand in my pocket

Finally bought the "Jagged little pill" album by Alanis Morissette. It has been a long while since i last listen to "alternative" kind of music. Well, this CD brings back some old memories, back when my brother and i used to listen to this CD over and over again (my brother loved this CD).

I was quite amazed however, at the way Alanis wrote her lyrics to most of her songs. The words that she use are plain, but yet very powerful, very descriptive, sometimes very angry, sometimes very subtle. Here's one of her songs, "Hand in my pocket"

"Hand In My Pocket"

I'm broke but I'm happy

I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded

I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to

Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine

I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober

I'm young and I'm underpaid

I'm tired but I'm working, yeah

I care but I'm restless

I'm here but I'm really gone

I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to

Is that everything's gonna be quite alright

I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is flicking a cigarette

And what it all comes down to

Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet

I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused

I'm green but I'm wise

I'm hard but I'm friendly baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing

I'm brave but I'm chickenshit

I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to

Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet

I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to my friends

Is that everything's just fine fine fine

I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

hmm....

There was, and still is, a sense of melancholy in me. Mostly when i see things in-retrospective.

Got updates and met a few not-so-old and long-time-never-meet friends. One is in die Schweiz. Seems his banking career is doing well. One is teaching music, with heaps of praises on him (talented lah...really, this guy). Then when i look back at myself, there is this sense of inferiority complex in me. In chinese, the phrase is 心理不平衡。

There is such a big gap, so big, that i feel amazingly useless. There's another story, it's regarding keys. I have this habit of misplacing my keys. Just did that two saturdays ago. Lost them. Duplicated a new pair. My housemate said that i never learn, which is true. And this is, in fact, a sad thing.

Suddenly i remember an old song from the past, from the past when i was still back in Penang, when brother have yet to go to US to study. He manage to get a full Scholarship to the US, then managed to get a Masters degree from the top varsity from the UK, now is lecturing in a College in KL. He listens to lots of songs, and he particularly liked Alanis Morissette. Here's a song sung by her,

"You Learn"

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone

I recommend walking around naked in your living room

Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)

It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)

Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone

I certainly do

I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time

Feel freeThrow it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)

Hold it up (to the rays)You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)

Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)

The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

You grieve you learn

You choke you learn

You laugh you learn

You choose you learn

You pray you learn

You ask you learn

You live you learn